Vietnamese Mythology Retold: The Twelve Zodiac

No, not those Zodiac.

Once upon a Time, the Jade Emperor, ruler of the Heavenly Palace by default (since no one else wanted to do it) used his brain for the first and only time in his performance existence. A lesser deity in both name and character and every other account, the Jade Emperor wasn’t a “God of” anything. Except for maybe Jealousy, but he wasn’t going to risk angering Phthonus, the actual God of Envy. It was hard not seeing green everyday, for just a few hundred miles away to the West was Almighty Zeus, not to far from him to the North was Odin, and to the South was Ra. “Why couldn’t I get any of that,” was the few concrete thoughts the Emperor can hold for longer than five minutes. Some other notable ones were “I can also hurl some thunderbolts;” “I can certainly sacrifice an eye for knowledge;” “I am more handsome than a bird!” As a testament to how lowly of an existence he was, the Jade Emperor had to whisper the above in his own mind, for fear of divine wrath.  

To mention the World in that period was to talk of Chaos and Nothingness, for as omnipotence as they were, the Gods also suffered a cursed, the curse, of boredom. All that power and knowledge, yet nothing, no one¸to show off to. Thus came the first Gatherings, a meeting for all Gods and Goddesses, big and small, pitching in ideas, a tent to shield them from the mundane. It was in one such meeting that the first idea of mankind was formed. Beings that they could rule over and toy with, modeled exactly like themselves, bipedal creatures who will have free-will without the brain to ever know what they want, hubris without competence, privilege that they will not admit, hateful veiled in a hundred layers of generosity, and of course, an unhealthy obsession Death. It was in one of these meetings that the Jade Emperor, usually as silent as the statues outside, spoke of his idea.

 “May…maybe… Maybe we can organize Time.” – The voice coming out of the Emperor was so small, most of what the Gods heard were “squeak-squeak.”

“Pardon me, young God. Would you mind speaking louder?” – Thoth of the Egyptian, who was supervising that day’s session, asked.

“Maybe we can organize Time for these creatures, these humans. Telling them their lives are numbered right at the get-go. Telling them how inferior they are to us.” – The Jade Emperor knew well how to suck up to these Gods. In fact, he was familiar with how each of their boots tasted like. Nothing excited the Gods more than belittling others.

“Elaborate, young God.” – Every God’s eyes were now focused on the Emperor.

“I… I propose an animal race!” – And he lost them immediately.

After that, the Jade Emperor was kicked out of the Hall, while the other gods created calendars and years and months and weeks and days and nights, taking his ideas without giving him any credits, as Gods do. However, although any normal being would take offense to having his magnum opus stolen, the Emperor was far from “normal.”

“Did you see that O’ Gaea! Thoth took my idea! They looked at me, all of them, looked at me! Glorious! Marvelous!”  – His voice echoed through the empty corridors of the Palace.

Little did the Gods know, the Jade Emperor had a demonstration prepared, in a little corner of the World, on a Red Demon's back. If Thoth had listened, the “squeak-squeak" would have gone on to explain the concept of “age.”

“Settle down, settle down. I know how excited you all are to hear what I have to say.” - The Jade Emperor whispered to his reflection in the mirror.

“So, I propose…” - He paused for dramatic effect.

“An animal race!” - The imaginary audience gasped and cheered.

 “Why, you asked? I propose that in order to grow their obsession with Time, we created meanings behind their date of birth, making them believe that it meant something more than a random number. For example…” - He pointed to a white board.

“If Human A was born in the year of Animal A, he will possess a generalized description of personalities that fit Animal A. Easy enough to understand, don't you think?” - The non-existence crowd nodded.

“Ah, it all makes sense. We are going to hold a race between the animals, and whoever wins will get to represent a year. I myself, Froth, God of Writing and Wisdom and Magic and Such and Such, could never by myself think of such a brilliant plan. You truly are the greatest among us, Jade Emperor.” - The Jade Emperor was now wearing a mask of a chicken as he did an impression of a certain bird-faced God.

The rule of the race was simple: the first animal to reach the Heavenly Palace can nominate the second, the second the third, and so on and so forth until the last. Little did the Emperor know, the Mouse overheard everything, from the little performance, to the time spent writing on the white board, to the rules.

“Very well, little one. Go home and tell your closest friend. Allow him the second seat of The Zodiac!”

The Mouse understood not what a Zodiac was, but he was not going to slip past the chance to be recognized by a God. And she already had in mind who will be the second: Cat. Back then, Mouse and Cat were good friends, living in harmony and mutual respect.

Having heard the news, the Cat, who has just woken up from a nap, gave Mouse the biggest celebration he could, which was raising his two front paws and saying something to the effect of the most uninterested “Woo" ever recorded.

“Oh Mousyyyy. Pleaseeee remember to wake me up when the day comes. You know how heavyyyy of a sleeper I can be. And would you mind picking the next nomination, too. I was, ´yawn´ in the middle of a nap, you seeee.” 

After Cat, Mouse's second closest friend was Mr. Buffalo. 

“Well of course, dear Mouse. I would be honored. And for my nomination, I just so happen to be childhood friends with Mr. Tiger. He's an amazing guy, and well-fitted to be a leader.

Childhood friends they were, Tiger was touched by Buffalo's action and accepted the position. Without even considering, Tiger nominated the quick-footed, quick-witted Hare, who was cousin with an Earth Dragon, who was the uncle of Snake, who, along with Old-man Horse and Farmer Goat made a book club.

And the chain of companionship continues, with Chicken, Monkey, Dog taking the offer without a second thought. But the selfish Dog thought that eleven was more than enough competition. “Give me some time to think,” and his thinking continued until the deadline was passed, the race was over, and the animals gathered at The Heavenly Palace.

“I thought there would be more.” - Said the Jade Emperor.

“You forgot to wake Cat, Ms. Mouse.” - Mr. Buffalo said to a guilt-ridden Mouse, who realized too late the fact that she did not wake Cat. 

“I wanted an even number at least…” - Whined the Jade Emperor.

With that opportunity to right the wrong, Mouse stepped up and volunteered to get Cat.

“Ah, little friend. T’was very nice of you. But it would take awhile, and we have the perfect candidate right here.” - The Emperor was now bored of his idea, and pointed at the pet pig he kept in the courtyard.

And thus was the Story of The Twelve Zodiac: Mouse, Buffalo, Tiger, Hare, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Chicken, Dog, and Pig, as well as the beginning of the generation-long feud between Cats and Mice. In some versions of the Story, Cat did get in, while the Hare was taken to the Moon by Chang'e, the Moon Goddess. In other versions, still, things weren’t so light-hearted.